Six Steps to Freedom from a Bad Decision in Love 

Have you ever made a bad decision in love? What do you do when you wake up one day only to realize you’ve made a massive, life-altering mistake? For many men, the hardest truth to admit is that they married someone they don’t love. Perhaps you are that guy who walked down the aisle out of a sense of obligation or family pressure. Perhaps you didn’t want to be seen as a commitment-phobe. But now, the reality of spending the rest of your life with the wrong person has set in, and the guilt is rendering you powerless. If you are a man secretly thinking, “I married a woman I don’t love,” you are likely trapped in a cycle of guilt.

We ignore the signs, push away our doubts, and convince ourselves that marriage will magically spark feelings that aren’t there. But marrying someone you don’t love never fixes the underlying truth. If you are feeling weighed down by a bad decision in love, the heaviest burden of guilt you carry will be hard to overcome.

This blog isn’t about casting blame. Rather, it’s more about sound advice designed to help you face the reality of your choices. With six steps that can assist you in managing what is sure to be an emotional fallout if the truth was exposed. There is a way you can move on to find a path forward.

Last month I posted a response to a reader of this blog who had no intention of righting a wrong and making it known that he never loved the woman he married. After my posted response, I received a followup email. Alrighty then, here you will find part two of last month’s post.

What follows is a brief excerpt of that email I Entitled… A BAD DECISION IN LOVE:

I thank-you for the time you’ve taken to respond to what is a major dilemma. I believe I will do more harm than good by telling the truth. If I continue, things will stay the same. No harm in that. I can live with the guilt. But if I tell her, it will get bad compared to keeping it under wraps. I respect your input. But I think it will hurt her more if I were to be genuine about how I really feel.

‘TIS BUT A MATTER OF CHOICE

Perhaps it’s a lack of decisiveness on your part to put an end to a bad chapter. Wishy-washiness can go a long way if you let it. The thing is, every decision led to where you are now. Which isn’t that great. You can choose to uphold high standards or not. You can choose honesty over dishonesty, and respect over disrespect. Your call. You don’t have to do anything, but continue playing the games you’ve been playing. Sad but true.

Nonetheless, wouldn’t it be better to prioritize what’s right over what’s wrong? Essentially, it’s doing the right thing by you, by her, where speaking up will inevitably achieve positive results in due time. You get to choose to create an ideal life through the pursuit of what is oh so right over what’s oh so wrong. 

Decisive action to correct a mistake is something to consider as fair play. Going the full nine yards and then some. Give thought to what has been occupying your thoughts as of late. Do you want to continue living this way? I think not. The thing is, you are in control of this life of yours. Where every thought, plan, and action is part and parcel of what can usher in change. Hopefully, change for the better. You have the power to change your role in any situation at the drop of a hat if you so choose. You can also step up to the plate or sidestep it altogether. 

The thing is, no one controls an outcome, or how someone will react, or how others will interpret what is sure to unfold. Perhaps there’s another reason for holding back from deciding to do the right thing. Regardless, the key is to take ownership of what you did, of what you’re doing, and of how you feel. 

MARRIED THE WRONG PERSON? NOW WHAT?

We have control over the type of role we play, and if what we choose affects someone else’s life in a negative way, we have to question who we are. The part you are choosing to play is not great. Just saying. We shape who we are, who we become, and where this life of ours is headed. The thing is, someone says things that may give us but a glimpse into their character. But a better depiction is what someone does. It’s all about actions, which will reveal so much more. 

You told everyone what they wanted to hear and followed it through with the incorrect action. Does that make you a bad person? Not at all. You are who you are and did what you felt you had to do. That said, you just wanted to do the right thing. Surely, there should be some brownie points for that. But the thing here is that the right thing was the wrong thing for you and for her.    

What is acceptable ushers in peace, and what is unacceptable ushers in conflict, hence guilt. That feeling that you are failing the marriage means something, and that feeling is also there to guide you. You know if you can live with a decision… or not. You staying in something you don’t even want makes no sense whatsoever. Eventually, you will get caught. Just saying. Anyway, what I think doesn’t matter, but what you think and feel is another story altogether. 

STUCK BETWEEN A ROCK AND A HARD PLACE WHEN IT COMES TO A BAD DECISION IN LOVE

Where am I going with this? I guess what I’m trying to say is, it must be difficult living a lie. Harsh, I know, true none-the-less. But this, you already know. So what to do? Proceed on this path and live with the guilt, or simply state the truth and get on with life? Either way, it will not be easy. By openly stating the facts, you will usher in the freedom you apparently desire, but you will also usher in chaos. With that said, this will allow two people to live out the rest of their lives in truth rather than live a hideous lie. Super complicated. Just being honest. You are in a tough situation, and now you must choose between right versus wrong. I understand that it’s difficult to break bad habits. I get that. But when inappropriate behavior becomes habitual, it’s time to question every poor decision. The thing is, you are questioning this lifestyle of yours. Which in all honesty, is a good thing.

SIX STEPS, just in case you decide to reconsider:

Forgiveness leads to healing, and healing leads to peace of mind. Forgiving others is one thing, but there’s also the act of self-forgiveness. Reconciling negative emotions with positive actions. It’s dealing with the decision you knew was wrong all along. You now have an opportunity to do right by you, by her.

Temptation will, for the most part, lead us down the wrong path. If tempting people or situations surround you, change your surroundings. 

Bad choices lead to consequences. We have options, and we get to choose. We decide the type of life we desire and the people we want to share this life with. If someone did us wrong, it wouldn’t be that person. Nor would it be with a person we do not love.

Questions ultimately lead to answers. It’s time for a heart-to-heart. A candid discussion. What are you prepared to do or prepared to change? It’s not about what anyone thinks or what anyone wants you to do. Here’s the thing. You can’t make yourself love someone you don’t love or feel what you don’t feel. It’s not fair to you, and it definitely isn’t fair to her. What you decide and where you go from here is what matters.

Lessons lead to learning. See the lesson in the situation and learn from the experience. Avoid reliving lessons by setting them on wash, rinse, and repeat cycles. Some chapters just need to close.

Perpetual replays lead to future regrets. When actions are set on playback mode, it just means it’s time to take note. Review the overall story and choose to make decisions that lead to better outcomes. By making a major change now, you forgo years of staying in a situation you never loved to begin with. You can choose to transition from wrong to right, from bad to good. You came clean with yourself, now all you have to do is come clean with her.

RIGHTING A WRONG

I get it. You can’t control an outcome. No one can. But you can control your thoughts, intentions, actions, and where this life of yours is heading. The path you choose is your choice: to do right or wrong. A choice. Guilt is but a red flag. A sign that something isn’t sitting well. Once you assign meaning to every choice, action, and experience, you will have a better sense of how far you’ve come versus how far you have yet to go. By focusing your next steps on the delivery of truth, you engage the power of changing the story. 

You can choose to change the trajectory in a good way or a bad way. There’s no middle ground in this scenario. The one decision you have control over that can change your life is you finally setting things right. Right a wrong. If you are feeling the effects of guilt, it just signals that it’s time to face the music. If something is no longer working, it’s up to you to fix it. You can live with the guilt. I get that. But will you be able to live with the grave repercussions that are sure to unfold given time? That’s a question only you can answer.