This Thanksgiving, I reflected on everything I’m truly grateful for, knowing that countless people endure unfair hardships and challenges. Last month we touched on the importance of one’s choices. Here we’ll unravel the plight of choosing wrong and remaining within the confines of what was wrongly chosen. Accepting anything toxic, dysfunctional, untrustworthy, or unsettling is troubling, to say the least. Is it bad? I’ll answer that. Yes. Yes, it is. For starters, it’s stressful, and bad stress has dire effects. In his book The Winner Within, NBA legend Pat Riley writes, “Giving yourself permission to lose guarantees a loss.” It’s not okay to just lose and opt to settle within such a restriction.
I’m sure we can come up with reasons and excuses for why we’d continue to tolerate the things we do. But long story short, let’s take a closer look at last month’s post as an example. Most who find themselves in a tough place is because of a poor choice. That, and believing there’s no way out. Does the person who is going through the cruelty understand the repercussions? Are family and friends aware someone they love is in trouble? Are colleagues alert to the fact someone amongst them is in a harmful situation? The truth is, anyone within earshot knows. And if someone doesn’t witness it firsthand but can read between the lines, they too will know.
BY GIVING YOURSELF PERMISSION, YOU ARE CHOOSING A DIFFERENT PATH FROM THE ONE YOU’RE ON
Abuse is abuse, and it comes in all forms. Personally, I’d rather take my chance at freedom than stay with someone who argues, yells, and calls me names, making life miserable. Also known as emotional abuse. But that’s just me. Perhaps there are those who believe they have a valid reason for staying in such a place. The thing is, there will always be grounds to stay, even when it would be far wiser to leave.
Decent men do not yell at anyone, let alone a woman, and they do not call them names to their face or behind their backs. They will not drop B-bombs, in private or in public. Good men don’t stoop that low. Just saying. And if you find this story sounds familiar, or you find yourself stuck in this kind of space, feeling threatened, it’s time for you to love yourself more. Seek the help, guidance, and support you need. It’s time to surround yourself with those who love you, believe in you, and who will be there for you.
Anyone can change the narrative if they so choose. In dysfunction, however, it may not be that easy. I get it. But the thing here is, when one shifts focus from where they are to where they can be, something changes. This shift in intention is quite intentional, and it’s what will allow you to change the trajectory of your life. One day, one choice, knowing you have but this one life. Your home should be a happy place. And by giving yourself permission to change something in your life that may be the recipe for success.
It is during our darkest moments that we must focus to see the light.
CONDITIONED TO ACCEPT DEFEAT
Those who face abuse may have a difficult time understanding the stark contrast between harmony and discord. Even to the extent of risking their health, happiness, and success. It’s through poor choices that we self-sabotage the good things in life. This alters the way we live and function each day, which influences every aspect of our lives. The thing is, in the chaos we don’t see it.
When outsiders witness the drama, it takes most aback. It changes the vibe as it makes everything feel not only wrong, but unsafe. And any place viewed as threatening and unjust changes everything.
A situation where there’s nothing but strife introduces an element of not only risk but fear, which is followed by paralysis. The sense of powerlessness is overwhelming for those in turmoil, yet it also affects those who bear witness to it. Perhaps this is where our positive beliefs about marriage and companionship fade. It’s where we now question love, question life, and even question God. With that said, this isn’t where we’d just keep silent, enduring toxic behavior and the pain it delivers. Yet so many do just that. Pretending that all is well when it isn’t.
The only way out is to love ourselves enough to let something as bad as this go. I get it. You’ve chanted those vows, and you’re committed to the marriage, to the relationship, to the idea of this being love. However, those special vows and words of love vanished the minute the abuse took place. The abuser broke a solemn promise. The victim of abuse didn’t.
WHAT COULD BE CLOSER TO THE TRUTH THAN GIVING YOURSELF PERMISSION TO LIVE THE LIFE YOU WERE GIFTED?
Anyone living in an abusive situation, enduring conflict, can lock themselves up in a victim mindset. Perhaps this is all they know because it’s what they grew up with. They may have never experienced a peaceful and loving family, and maybe familial dysfunction explains it. Some may even regard the problematic state as the sum of their lives, their luck, or destiny. However, that is so far removed from the truth. Others may hope for something to change, but soon discover things do not change on their own. And yes, it can become dangerous to just wait it out.
Given time, there’s likely to be a tipping point. It’s when intense ugliness emerges and the toxicity of it all reveals a harsh truth that this will not disappear anytime soon. With that in mind, this may be when friends, family, colleagues, and neighbors get to breathe a sigh of relief. Thankful that you finally see there’s no other way, but out. You finally grasp where you are isn’t safe and isn’t where you need to be. This is a moment of exposed, raw honesty, acknowledging that this isn’t what you agreed to or signed up for. It’s not what you deserve, and it’s definitely not where you belong.
Dream, and give yourself permission to envision a You that you choose to be.
PERMISSION IS YOU GIVING YOURSELF THE GREEN LIGHT
When we love ourselves more, we never accept less. From this perspective, we get to choose between living a wonderful life or a not-so-wonderful life. Ultimately, it all comes down to what we choose. The choice to stay or go. The decision to continue living in fear or to live in peace. If you are breathing, you have an opportunity to turn things around by making better choices. That’s all I’m saying. In all honesty, it’s about seeking a peaceful life. Nothing more, nothing less. Just peace. It’s the high road all the way, one far removed from whatever this is or isn’t.
If you are hesitant, consider the following six ways to reclaim peace:
1. Grant yourself permission to take a timeout to focus inwards, and in quiet contemplation, plan your next steps.
2. Give yourself permission to rethink what stays and what needs to go. As you gather what remains in your life, go through what fits and what doesn’t.
3. Present yourself with the permission to say no to what is no longer acceptable and void of love and peace.
4. Award yourself the permission to let go of what no longer benefits you and your future self.
5. Giving yourself permission to start anew, despite the inclination to stay, opens you up to new opportunities for something better. Sometimes things are unfixable.
6. Gift yourself permission to love yourself more, willing to turn the page without undermining your potential and the success that awaits you.
Instead of focusing on circumstances you cannot change, focus intensely on the circumstances you can.