We have a tendency to cling to the familiar. Familiar patterns, habits, routines. Even when it’s bad for us. Sometimes we don’t see something until someone redirects our attention. Or when one reads something that raises awareness. I have to ask, why is there this unwillingness to move on from something not-so-great?
There it was, a lengthy email from an avid reader. At first, I didn’t know if I’d have a response. However, I felt it would be beneficial for someone. As for the rest, it may just make for a good read. So here you have an excerpt of that email and my thoughts regarding it.
Email Snippet:
I’ve read every blog you’ve written. It’s interesting how you raise one’s awareness. Many of your posts resonate. I stop myself from moving on to something other than what I have going on now. And what I have is satisfying. On the flip side, it leaves me feeling emotional void. I also feel as though I’m missing out on something more. I’m not ready to break from my date-a-holic tendencies though. In one of your posts, you wrote: see it, like it, date it. That’s me. I love dating.
One thing for sure, any addiction is unhealthy, and this also bodes true for someone with a dating addiction. I’m on almost every dating app known. Most of us have no desire to transform our lives. Being honest here. Yet, I can say there’s more to life than ‘dating for the sake of dating.’ Which I believe were the words you used in one of your posts. Any thoughts?
THE UNWILLINGNESS TO MOVE ON – A PASSAGE TO UNHAPPINESS
I must admit, you remind me of someone I used to know. What’s interesting is that you didn’t ask this gal for anything specific, but in a roundabout way, perhaps you did. Maybe you’re seeking nothing but an opinion, or some form of understanding, possibly this blogger’s take or perception? Am I wrong? If I sound somewhat confused. I am. What if you don’t desire a dramatic change in your life at this time, and just want to stay the course? No biggie. But the thing is, it is a big deal, especially when you share some fairly confidential details with a total stranger. If you’re unwilling to change what needs to change, it not only presents a problem, it also prevents you from experiencing a blissful relationship… with one person.
Holding firm to this kind of lifestyle of yours may deter you from experiencing something more beneficial, something more exponential, something of exceptional value. I always call something out for how I see it. Not always a popular stance, so be it. What’s wrong is wrong. Just saying. My take on your situation may not be everyone’s cup of tea. And that’s fine. There are millions of blogs to choose from, better blogs that may fit the bill.
THOSE CONTROLLING THOUGHTS SEGUE INTO THOSE UNCONTROLLED ACTIONS
Life is short. I repeat, it’s short. So why would anyone insist on remaining where things are far from ideal? If you admit that you’re experiencing emotional void, you are. If you confess to something being less than, it probably is. It doesn’t matter what someone has going on. Who are we kidding? Of course it matters. If we were to reread that email of yours, which I highly recommend. We have a pretty good depiction. It’s how you portray this lifestyle of yours. We see what isn’t what it appears to be. But you already know this. Regardless of whether one devotes themselves to one person, or, as in your case, exploring every option out there, we choose how we live.
John Maxwell gets it. When we change what’s not working for us, or something questionable, things can change for the better. But what you deem unchangeable, another may render as failing to opt for change. So there’s that. To each his own.
Only by managing my thinking and shifting my thoughts from desire to deeds would I be able to bring about positive change. I needed to go from wanting to doing.
Based on the quote, in your case, it’s doing less of what you’re doing now, and with a wish and prayer, thoroughly shifting the trajectory.
EVERYONE HAS A PREFERENCE – THE WILLINGNESS OR THE UNWILLINGNESS TO MOVE ON
The thing is, we can read something and agree to it, or not. Like this blog, for instance. The crucial elemental factor is for you to deal decisively with what it is you have going on. No wishy-washy. Plan a different approach so you can be on track toward something above par and above board. Especially when things aren’t exactly where you want them to be. You have the power to break a toxic cycle. So, why not change something up in your world? You can start by taking a break from swiping.
For some of my readers, it would mean changing what they do for a living or where they work. For others, it may be within the context of where they live or who they hang out with. But for most, it will be within their love lives. Of the emails I’ve received of late, most admit to entertaining negative attachments. Which seems to be the common denominator these days. It’s why my creativity never runs dry when it comes to writing.
DIFFERENT STROKES FOR DIFFERENT FOLKS
Difficult attachments are essentially those unsuitable bonds where there’s a matter in question, to the point of being a priority because it’s now the focal point. Let’s just put it this way: It’s one’s center of interest. Nothing more, nothing less. Situations like this do nothing but steal time and energy, only resulting in further loss or perhaps, as you stated, an emotional void. Which is really no different from sinking into some quagmire that serves no meaningful purpose apart from teaching its valuable lesson. A lesson that will help you move to the next chapter in life. What that chapter looks like is up to you. Does it look positive, hopeful, safe? Great! Go there. However, if you admit to experiencing lack, whether a lack of love, a lack of peace, or even the fear of missing out, it doesn’t matter. Lack is lack.
Suffering is due entirely to clinging or resisting. It is a sign of our unwillingness to move on, to flow with life.
THE WAY WE THINK AND WHAT WE DO WITH IT
The next chapter is what life’s all about. Who in their right mind gets stuck in a bad chapter? I’ll answer that. No one. If it were a book, you would not only stop reading it, but you’d also feel inclined to never pick it up again. Here’s the point. Inferior connections, unhealthy environments, and toxic settings, likened to a bad novel, do just that. It compels us to reflect on that not-so-great storyline that we insist is our life and, by the same token, has us consumed by it. Maybe we reach out for clarification on what we already know to be true about who we are and where it is we currently find ourselves. Somewhere between keeping things status quo, yet wishing for some semblance of change, we realize something. And that is where we are, and what we’re doing is far from what one would consider ideal.
DANCING WITH AN INFERIORITY COMPLEX
Insecurities are usually a common trait among date-a-holics, as they often seek external validation. Now, I’m no therapist, but what I understand is that any inferior connection isn’t a plus. Those sordid connections prevent you from taking a wiser approach toward living a better life. These are the same connections that restrict one’s appreciation for something more meaningful, like the happiness that only genuine love delivers.
Fly-by-night connections will just have you spinning your wheels and jumping through hoops, while you do nothing but justify the reasons for doing so. And that is the problem. By continuing to be a part of anything trivial, one will only intensify and perpetuate an already precarious situation in which they find themselves. Whether there are those who experience this at work, in love, in family, or within a social setting, doesn’t matter. However, what does matter is taking steps to prevent anything having a negative stronghold in our lives.
The unwillingness to move on only keeps us from becoming the best version of who we can be. How do you expect to become the best version when you don’t have the confidence… nor the courage to move on from something less than ideal? I get it. There’s no such thing as perfection; however, we can come pretty darn close.
TAKING CHARGE OF ONE’S LIFE
Taking charge of your thoughts is truly about self-control. You may even discover that you control the story. Imagine that. The thing is whether those pleasant or unpleasant scenarios have you bouncing back and forth. Between what’s great and what isn’t. Between what’s genuine and what’s superficial. Between emotional fulfillment versus emotional void.
A negative emotion or situation does just that: it keeps you stuck, hindering progress and preventing you from being the best you that you have the potential to be. It further erodes confidence and one’s ability to move beyond what’s not good enough, outside of those not-so-great situationships that keep you at bay, longing for something you don’t have. Far from living your best life, the ideal life. Because I can assure you, based on your email, where you are now isn’t that great. Just saying.
It’s really about choice and what you decide on a day-to-day basis, as well as what you do from here on in. Wouldn’t it make sense to exchange your unwillingness to move on to the willingness to take back control? After all, this is your life – this one, big, bold, beautiful life. All yours. And how you choose to live is solely up to you.
When you see a problem and don’t fix it, you’ve made a choice to live with it.