Unfulfilled dreams and expectations, lost in confusion, and beyond miserable… egads! Where’s the peace in all of this? I repeat. Where’s the peace? Sounds like a sign that serves a purpose. This signals that something needs to change or has to go. But who pays attention? What impact does something like this have on our lives? And why is it important for us to reclaim peace?
There are plenty of clues throughout the time spent in any disquieting situation. Drama, chaos, and conflict are three that come to mind. These are issues that surface and resurface. But what we don’t seem to understand is its effect on our health. Any negative experience will affect us in some way. And if that’s the case, why are so many of us choosing to stay where things are far from ideal?
Of those who choose to settle in unpleasant spaces, who tolerate toxic relationships, will find the deep-rooted dysfunction difficult to manage. Perhaps there’s a desire for things to get better. But what usually ends up happening is that the situation becomes dire. Let’s just say this: If something becomes noticeably toxic, it is.
Here’s an excerpt from another email I received:
Some of us can’t deal with change because the things we allowed were tolerated for a very long time. My opinion on tolerance changed when I had health challenges. That’s what it sometimes takes before someone changes something in their life.
I found your website well after my husband and I divorced. Wish I had found it sooner. The more I poked around your blog, the more things became an eye-opener. It made me think about what I put up with over the years and all the time I wasted. It also made me question what I had done to deserve what I went through. I’m mad about giving him the best years of my life.
My relationship was a disappointment from the start. I regret ever having met him. He kept me stuck, confused, and unhappy. Three years dating, two years engaged, eight years married, another two years living apart, but I still gave in, giving him more than he ever deserved. My love wasn’t enough. He was always meeting up with people, and he’s a charmer.
We dated, broke up, lived together, broke up, got engaged, broke up, married, separated, and dated on and off after we separated. This is no way to live. I filed for divorce. It took me years to realize that this man was broken and I couldn’t fix him. I no longer have anything to do with him. I had to learn the hard way. To those who are still with these men, I would say, take your life back. I did, and it was the best thing I ever did for me.
EVERY CHOICE SETS SOMETHING IN MOTION
At this stage, it’s no longer about him or what happened. It’s now about you, and how you live out the rest of your life. Could it have been denial, where wishing and hoping became the norm and you just settled into an unsettling space? Set it, forget it, until something new cropped up that made you do a double-take. One day you woke up to the fact that you were doing double-takes more often than not, feeling beyond miserable, and knowing that this thing was beyond life-support.
The thing is, one day bleeds into the next, and before we admit something’s amiss, it’s five, ten, fifteen years into the so-called romance. And there we are, conflicted as ever, and feeling overwhelmed over what ended up being a mistake. As far as mistakes go, it’s okay, as long as we learn from them. The earlier, the better.
If it’s all about living our best life, why are so many of us going about it all wrong? We fell for the wrong person. There’s that. But once it registers, once we’re no longer clueless about the facts, we still hang on to these pathetic relationships. Perhaps staying in not-so-great spaces and tolerating toxicity stems from a place of insecurity, when our confidence is at an all-time low. It’s when we stop believing that better exists. A better workplace, strong friendships, a compatible mate, and a fulfilling love life. All of which equate to an exceptional life. But a notable life is a choice, and so it is when we choose to reclaim peace.
A MATTER OF CHOICE – TO RECLAIM PEACE OR NOT
Confident people view things differently. They know they don’t have to contend with anything below par or unacceptable. But staying or leaving is still a matter of choice. It’s also about self-respect, self-awareness, and self-love, knowing we deserve more than what we settle for. Let’s face it. It’s not our place to keep tabs, let alone on the one we are supposed to trust. And if anyone finds they must keep tabs on the one they love, well, that in itself is a big red flag.
Sadly, there you were, obsessed and consumed with what took place, along with all the ensuing chaos that attached itself to whatever that was. For some, it’s a toxic workplace or disingenuous friends. For others, it’s a lack of familial support or dysfunctional relationships. Then there are individuals who experience the crowning blow, conflicts that affect all aspects of life, as in last month’s post. In your case, however, it’s a so-called romantic partner who happens to be a notorious cheater.
When we stay on course with toxic people, we are robbing ourselves of more than just peace and contentment. Which, in reality, says a lot about us and who we are. It could be years before we decide whether we’ve had enough. It’s just getting to a place where we can trust ourselves, where we can reclaim peace, and gather strength to pick up the pieces of what’s left. So we can start recapturing some, if not all, of those things we’ve envisioned before we met him, her, them, it.
TRUTH AND LIES
As a writer, I’m thankful for all who read my posts, and I appreciate those who reach out, sharing their experiences. We search for answers we already have. For whatever reason, we choose to keep reliving the same old narrative. Not only the story that plays out, but the one we tell ourselves. Which goes something like this: Things will improve once we get engaged, once we get married, or if we stay in something long enough. But that isn’t the case. No. No, it isn’t.
The toxicity that reveals itself early is something to be aware of, and it’s also worthy to note that it will worsen given time. If someone cheats while dating, they will continue doing so. A cheater cheats. That’s that. With habits and traits deeply embedded, it’s difficult for the dishonest person to change.
WHEN IS IT IMPORTANT TO RECLAIM PEACE?
The answer is when distress dominates while peace becomes rare to nonexistent. Which, honestly, is something to pay attention to. And that is what you did by leaving. It doesn’t matter how long it took before you had it all figured out. The key takeaway is to continue to stay on course while remaining optimistic. Motivated by the prospect of rediscovering life’s pleasures once again. Who knows, with a brand new outlook on life, you may very well meet someone who is capable of loving you the way you deserve to be loved. It will be someone with intelligence who understands the definition of love.
A clear path to healing is to avoid dwelling on the past. The key is to learn and grow from the experience, so you can refocus on the important aspects of life. The life you desire and deserve is one of peace and contentment, and it’s a life you get to create. Do you want to know how to reclaim peace? Let go of what no longer serves you. I will add that congratulations are in order, for that is precisely what you did.
People like to say that the conflict is between good and evil. The real conflict is between truth and lies.