So many people ask why dating standards and personal boundaries matter. Since my last post, emails poured in. A few stood out from the rest. However, one in particular I will address here. Here’s but an excerpt.
My name is Mick. I have been dating on and off for decades. I’m over 60, but feel as though I’m 40. I’m reaching out because I’m at my wit’s end. I’ve read your other posts, and what you write makes a whole lot of sense. I fell for this divorcee, who isn’t looking for anything that has commitment attached to it. I’ve proposed, and she said no. We continue to date, but here’s where it becomes bothersome. She wants to date other people while dating me. I can just imagine how you’ll respond. It’s not like I don’t know what to do because I do know. However, I still want to get your take on something like this.
Here’s the thing, Mick. We can get lost in some relationships. The word ‘bothersome’ says a lot. It’s not like you aren’t aware of what’s going on. You are well aware. And that’s why I chose to respond. We know. Yet by the same token, we don’t know. We know all the emotions attached to something like this, as we sense it and feel it… deeply.
WHAT IS IT ABOUT CREATING PERSONAL BOUNDARIES?
Defining personal dating standards is but one piece of the puzzle, while another is securing personal boundaries. The interplay between these two will have you on track heading in the right direction. And this segues into choices. Choosing to stay in a not-so-great relationship can deprive you of one that’s better suited. Engaging with the wrong person will have the right person choosing to pass you by. There they go! How sad is that? Pretty darn sad. Dating someone who isn’t a match will lead to a problematic relationship down the road. So there’s that to consider. This can stifle not only your dreams of a better life, but it also hinders your outlook on love.
Just look back at all those relationships that didn’t pan out the way you thought they would. Not only in your life, but in the lives of those you know. Friends or family who have experienced a major setback because of toxic connections. All the relationships that struggled to get off the ground, that ended, or failed the litmus test are not the relationships we hold out for and invest in. These are the exponential deal-breakers. It’s a choice to tie up your life within a relationship that is flailing and going nowhere. And whatever flails, fails.
Did they refuse to meet you halfway? Do they expect you to chase them? Do they reflect the prominent qualities you seek in a partner? Let’s get something straight. If they were to check off everything or a majority of what you have on that list of yours, you’d be their plus one and remain their numero uno. But here’s the thing… too many people choose wrong and stay in poor relationships. There’s that.
HEAVY WEIGHT
Truth be known, sometimes we’re simply attracted to the wrong type. With that said, hitching your horse to the wrong wagon will not be a rewarding experience. Far from. For one, the connection becomes unpleasantly challenging. Tracking down the wrong trail, ending up in the wrong place, with a not-so-great partner isn’t something we wish. When there is a misalignment of virtues, morals, and values in a connection, love becomes difficult. Disrespect follows, which leads to stagnation. In other words, the relationship will wither away. Here’s hoping.
Now, there are those who don’t mind, and would rather continue carrying the weight of a bad relationship than enjoy single status and the potential of meeting someone new. Someone who not only understands the essence of love, but who also has the capacity to love. Biblical knowledge 101… love. And yes, love is a word we emphasize on this website. Without it, there’s nothing. Nada! Just putting this out there for those who have a hard time wrapping their heads around the concept of devotion. My flower child post comes to mind.
THE WRONG CHOICE ISN’T THE RIGHT CHOICE
Why not attract someone who is the real deal? With confidence, a little patience, and steadfast conviction, you are ready to attract better. Let’s consider something else. Good things will not take place if one doesn’t have respect. Respect is a big deal. But it doesn’t stop there. Self-respect, self-love, and discernment will go a long way. I get it. It’s rather easy to simplify attraction. But here’s the thing. Our ability to look at the bigger picture is essential. For instance. What is this thing we have going to look like down the road? If it looks and feels bad now, is it going to improve? I’ll answer that for you. No.
It’s seeing the difference between someone who can and will go the distance versus someone who can’t or won’t. A person who has no intention of seeing a relationship through, who isn’t looking for commitment, or who doesn’t value a serious relationship isn’t someone we’d have high hopes for. On the contrary. As we all know, those who sport a flirtatious nature will be difficult to trust. Let’s be serious. Can we count on a flirt when superficiality is the name of the game?
Untrustworthy people are usually in relationships for a good time, not a long time. And they are often setting their search on a perpetual rinse and repeat cycle. They see, like, and pounce. Listen up. This is where it’s easy to get caught up in a dysfunctional relationship. Round and round it goes, where it stops… who the heck knows? Apparently, Esther…
The ‘symptom’ theory goes as follows: An affair simply alerts us to a preexisting condition, either a troubled relationship or a troubled person.
GETTING REAL AND KEEPING IT REAL
Consider the person who is prone to cheat, and whether they have the wherewithal to deliver peace, happiness, and security within a relationship. Here are a few questions that may help you see through the haze. Do they take time in getting to know you, or is there this mad rush to get something started? Is it followed by an uncomfortable silence, or better yet, a ghosting when you don’t deliver? Do they have patience with the dating process? Do they understand the dating process? Are they open to discussing their life and dreams, and how you fit into their plans? Do they have plans that include you? Do you know? Care to know? Or do they keep you in the dark?
These are just a few of the important factors to consider. For this reason, we give thought to creating dating standards and securing personal boundaries. It’s you loving yourself enough to do all you can to make life easier down the road. Now, the good thing is she informed you about wanting to date other people. That said, honesty is a good thing, and I’m all in with spelling it out. However, in this case, it also spells the end. By staying, you tie up your valuable time, energy, and emotions. Mick, you already have the answer. Loving someone who doesn’t feel the same way is not a confidence booster. What if she said yes to your proposal, yet, felt a need to keep playing the field? Things would get ugly. John’s quote is spot on.
Many marital disagreements are difficult to resolve because they stem from fundamental differences in lifestyle, personality, or values.
STANDARDS AND PERSONAL BOUNDARIES LEAD TO QUALITY RELATIONSHIPS
Taken a step further, the quote above can also refer to those who live together or who date their person for a very long time, hoping things change. An example here would be Anette, five years and counting. Her choice.
We may see the signs and perhaps even catch a glimpse of subtle hints. But what if the red flags dominate? This never bodes well. Yet, most will continue a relationship that’s bound for nowhere. Waste of time. I repeat… a waste of time.
Relationships that struggle will not go a long way. However, there are those that uncomfortably do. Mind you, it’s here we can learn the greatest lessons. See something for what it is, harness the lesson, but keep it moving. If another connection appears to head down the same path… just keep it moving. Why get stuck in one toxic relationship after another? Why? The key is to avoid repeating negative cycles.
But I love her, he says. I know you do. But… does she love you?
Here’s the clincher. If you create dating standards and followup with personal boundaries, you will end a nasty relationship before it has a chance to get worse. Read that last line again, but this time, replace ‘you’ with ‘I’. There are a few of us who will choose to cut ties before we get to the point of calling something out. By not having standards and refusing to create personal boundaries, you leave yourself open to confusion. Include that with a whole slew of misunderstandings, will result in blurring the lines between what’s great versus what isn’t. You can start here, I’ll leave it to the experts.
Evaluating the benefits and drawbacks of any relationship is your responsibility. You do not have to passively accept what is brought to you. You can choose.
THE RELEVANCE OF TIME
Never assume someone will change their wily ways just by wishing, thinking, or manifesting it. The key is for you to be upfront about your expectations. Envisioning a successful outcome of an unpleasant relationship is not only you denying the inevitable, but delaying it. Bottom line, we aren’t getting any younger. Time can and will get away from everyone, and getting on in years is but a fact of life. Thirty becomes sixty in no time. It’s difficult to imagine, especially when we’re young. But one day, the image in the mirror, the one you no longer recognize, will ask: “What would my life have looked like had I chosen someone better suited?” Who you choose to spend time with is a big deal.
We kid ourselves, believing what isn’t, is. The point being, once time is gone, it’s gone. Spending years tolerating an unhealthy connection is up to you. Hopefully, one day you will ask yourself: “What the heck am I doing?” And this will be your aha moment. Age sneaks up on all of us without warning. There’s no such thing as turning back the hands of time, with the exception of daylight savings time, and even this may be on its way out. I don’t care what anyone tells you about youth because there’s a limited time on that. Sounds harsh, I know. But it’s something to consider. Ask yourself, “How much time am I willing to invest in something that brings such disappointment?”
The person you’re meant to be with will never have to be chased, begged, or given an ultimatum.
CRUCIAL FACTORS… CREATING STANDARDS AND SETTING PERSONAL BOUNDARIES
When we stop caring about ourselves, about our lives, we can overlook the value of self-love and self-respect. This can lead to giving up on things that matter most. Such as happiness, which is an important factor to consider, because with it we have a healthier outlook. And a healthy frame of reference ushers in vibrancy, followed by optimism, leading to attraction 2.0. An energetic force that has yet to be reckoned with, because it’s love in its purest form. The right attraction can lead to something quite exceptional. A relationship not only pleasing, but highly rewarding.
It’s time to stop wasting your energy on the wrong people. In this post we’re referring to those we date, but this can also include friendships, family, and acquaintances. Where you live, work, and play matters a great deal. Bottom line, you have a choice. Yes, you do. We all do. Life would indeed look different. It looks better if you choose better. And this goes for everything in life. So, if you think standards and boundaries don’t matter, think again. Having high standards and personal boundaries are there to protect you from making the biggest mistake of your life.