Four Steps to a Better Relationship | Transform your love life

Who doesn’t dream of having a better relationship, an amazing love life, or a Hallmark romance? In matters of the heart, it’s essential. We want it all. Someone who looks good, something that feels great, and we’re raring to get started. Attraction being the major drawing card that compels us to discover more about the person we date. That said, sometimes a connection shifts gears and heads south. Let’s just put it this way: quality varies. And when quality wanes, the attraction fades. This is taking note, looking beyond the surface and into the depths of the relationship. This is also where we can get lost if we live in denial. We have to see it for what it is, not for what we wish it to be. Denying the truth of any situation is never beneficial.

Relationships fail, and those that do typically fall by the wayside. Which isn’t necessarily a bad thing. But one thing’s certain, it’s never easy ending any relationship, let alone one we gave our all to and sacrificed time for. However, in closing out a chapter with someone who isn’t right for you, it makes way for someone who is. This is part two in response to Anette’s email.

IS THIS LOVE? BE HONEST…

Anette, you admitted to feeling misled. I have to ask: why are you choosing to stay in something that leaves you baffled? Don’t you desire someone other than the one who’s readily open to sharing his energy elsewhere? Wouldn’t you prefer a guy who’s into you and only you? Major difference. Why date someone who evidently pursues others while he continues to see you? The thing is, he didn’t break it off with you. He just hinted that he needed time and space. But there he is… seeing other women. It’s what I refer to as relationship triangulation, aka a dysfunctional match. He plays, and you play into it.

This will explain why my writing has such a preachy tone, which I’m unapologetic about as it’s quite intentional. And if I come off sounding a bit too strong, it’s because I want to highlight the significant role you play in this chapter of your life. Awareness and perception is the answer when choosing whom to date. Discernment is essential in the selection process. It’s having a keen eye, knowing what’s going to work and what isn’t. We decide between right and wrong, good and bad, as well as what we choose to tolerate. So, why do we tolerate unacceptable behavior? With standards and boundaries in place, it becomes an influential factor in the decision-making process where we’re more inclined to make better choices.

CHOOSING A BETTER RELATIONSHIP

Once you release an unhealthy relationship, it’s like clearing bad karma. You feel re-energized, and now you can focus on starting anew. You never know when you’ll meet someone who truly gets you, someone who shares your values and views. A person who understands you. Like whoa! Why would anyone decide to give time, attention, and energy to the wrong person? You are special, your time is precious, and the love you give is a gift. Besides, you only have this one sweet life to get it right. One. Why are so many of us getting it wrong? We get entangled in situations far from ideal when there are oodles of variables to consider. Once we accept we deserve better, we recognize there are better options yet to discover. 

IT TAKES TWO

We put up with challenging relationships, hoping they will somehow magically get better. But what if they don’t? Some of us just stick to the status quo and keep things going even if it costs us our happiness. I have a tendency to keep plants long after they’ve lost their vitality, hoping to revive them. I have yet to succeed. In some situations, I’ve attempted to correct mistakes to mend relationships. That too hasn’t fared well. Sometimes, what’s dead is dead, and it doesn’t matter how much we want to see it flourish. Nothing we say or do will fix it. The plant can’t be too far gone to restore it to health, and this also speaks to relationships. Two people have to work at having a strong, vibrant, healthy relationship to make it a success. Not one. Two.

To get it right, both parties have to be on board. Get it wrong, and we find ourselves alone, paddling upstream… without a paddle. And now we have to admit the connection isn’t only difficult to sustain, but to maintain. Let’s face the facts. Any relationship that’s problematic is a challenge to handle. Standards give us something to work from, and will even provide us with a glimpse into what we can expect. It offers us a heads-up approach to dating. 

DATING STANDARDS A MUST IF YOU ARE TO ENJOY A BETTER RELATIONSHIP

Unmet expectations, mixed signals, and a lack of trust will only drive us further away from happiness. But it will also prompt us to consider whether to take the next exit, or continue down a road destined for nowhere. Once implemented, dating standards give us newfound freedom to explore, and this is where we experience things on a different level because there are things we watch for. Standards equip us with the ability to get beyond what isn’t acceptable, and will also provide us with opportunities to get back on track. By choosing wisely, you come from a place of peace, and this is you seeing beyond the confusion. Confident about who you are and what you deserve. When you’re disrespected in a relationship, the key is self-respect. 

Standards do indeed have a role to play in whom we choose to partner with. Does the person you date have standards that align with yours? Is that even a thing? You bet it is. It’s important we choose people who not only have standards, but those with relatively high standards. This is a selective… selection… process. With standards in place, you will discover what attracts you, because it provides a clear picture into what you seek in a partner and in a relationship. You’ll be able to tell when someone is ill-suited, or if a relationship will not progress to the next level. If it isn’t evolving, what’s the point? No growth, no progress – it’s over. Time to move on. You can’t make a relationship work when you’re the only one putting in the effort.

STANDARDS MISALIGNED? NEXT!

Once standards are in place, you have more control over your decisions because you have a point of reference. It’s up to you to choose: good, better, best. But the thing is, most of us choose poorly and then linger there. You can choose a relationship that’s above baseline or below, a partner who is above board or below board. You decide. Actions, words, and experiences all lead to potential outcomes or to probable repercussions. 

What you choose matters. By setting standards, you not only learn more about yourself, but you will also understand more about the importance of someone’s character. You can get beyond confusion and drama, not only because you choose to do so, but given that you’ve already pinpointed the non-negotiables. This is also where you consider all the positive features necessary for a healthy, vibrant relationship. Someone who cheats isn’t the one we’d choose to partner up with, nor would we construe it as a healthy union. In other words, this isn’t someone we’d date. 

Not in alignment, not in sync – a relationship typically has nowhere to go. Dead end. Waste of time. For those seeking more than a casual connection, setting standards is a priority. Date those with low to no standards and you will soon discover a person who not only lacks emotional maturity, but who also has zero willpower and no direction whatsoever. Someone who’s commonly all over the map. If you catch my drift. A man who has options and chooses them while dating you is the type we don’t settle for. No need to stand in this line. I repeat… this isn’t your line to stand in… unless you’re in it for nothing but playtime. But you don’t strike me as being that type. In your case, a player plays while you get played.

THERE ARE GUIDELINES – WHO KNEW?

By creating a guideline for the type of person you seek, you will find your attitude changes toward the things once considered attractive. This alters your viewpoint, helping you to rediscover, redefine, and refocus on more of the essential aspects regarding love and romance. And what happens? Something shifts, and the direction you take changes. I speak here from experience. You have a visual of the type of love you want to attract and engage. This is when a journal will come in handy. Why? Because we have a tendency to forget, the journal reminds us. It’s like a bestie that has your back. It’s like that.

THE STEPS TO A BETTER RELATIONSHIP, A BETTER PARTNERSHIP, AND HENCE – A BETTER LOVE LIFE

Here are four steps you can take that will lead you in the right direction…

First step – reflect on everything you value in a partner and in a relationship (do not lose sight of how important this step is). Consider all of your standards, and list them… in a journal.

Second step – put that list into action by referring to it after every date. Or after spending any time with the person you are seeing, while it’s still fresh in mind. 

Third step – routinely review and update your values and standards (things will surface as you date, some good, some bad, and some utterly bizarre).

Fourth step – assess the relationship. Were there a suitable number of boxes with check marks? If your list has but a few items checked, it’s time to reevaluate whether the connection is worth your while. 

As you are going through the steps consider these questions: Is there compatibility or incompatibility? Do you sense harmony or disharmony? Is the experience pleasant or unpleasant? This is where most of us falter. We give those we date one too many chances. And before you know it, there you are, years into something that’s far from ideal.

THE SAGACIOUS METHOD… SAY WHAT?

A sagacious approach involves focusing on the essential attributes and crucial qualities of a relationship. Consider the person you date and where he repeatedly falls short. By failing to do this, you will find the same things surface down the road, which will, if anything, end up being a huge issue. Be aware of what made you feel peaceful and what situations had you immersed in conflict. Jot it all down… in your journal. Don’t have a journal? Buy one. 

Very early in my dating years, I hung onto this one connection. To this day, I don’t get why we do this, but we do. Within the first year, I was compelled to tell him: “Nah, playboys aren’t my type.” But I didn’t. I remained silent and just let things unfold. And that they did. Now, it’s not that this gal didn’t have an inkling. She did. There were things that just didn’t add up, and matters she questioned in silence. There was something his friend divulged. And then there was his move. We kept in touch over the years, on and off, but I filed this one under the status of acquaintance, nothing more, nothing less. Did he know? Highly unlikely. After all, he was a man on the prowl, collecting phone numbers was his thing.

This brings me to the importance of paying attention during dating. It’s paramount. We take care to note everything, down to the last detail, going beyond how someone dresses, what they drive, and where they live. I get it. The visual appeal is everything, yet too many of us wear rose-tinted glasses, and this is where we get stuck. It’s just being inattentive to the way someone acts or reacts to situations. This is where a journal helps us through the process of sorting through such matters – the good, the bad, and the ugly. 

WHAT IS IT WITH “BUT”?

We frequently use the word “but” to rationalize our actions and to justify our involvement. And it’s here we accept some pretty unacceptable behavior, believing all is well when it isn’t. But I want him… But I’m hoping he will change… But I feel he’s the one. But I’m tired of being single. I get that. We’re prepared to overlook some things. Yet, it may be we’re overlooking far too much. 

GETTING REAL AND KEEPING IT REAL

Some of us don’t communicate effectively, nor do we bring things to someone’s attention. We just let it fester. Those unspoken thoughts are quite destructive. So what’s on someone’s mind continues to live in obscurity when there’s a need to open up dialogue so we can clear the air and end the confusion. Perhaps even putting an end to the relationship. This is when a little confidence goes a long way. I’m not insinuating we delve into confrontation. I’m alluding to composure. To confront anyone is never beneficial. It just adds negative drama to what already has instability written all over it. Another thing I want to emphasize is the less is more approach. Less talking and more listening. But what happens when all you hear are crickets? It’s a sign to keep it moving.

Anette, from what your email spelled out, you have a good sense of what’s ideal and what isn’t, what will work and what won’t. But I have to ask: Is this guy your guy? Ask yourself… is this union, relationship, connection suitable? I believe you already know it isn’t because you wouldn’t have reached out. By keeping things real, we don’t create a love story when there isn’t one. Harsh, I know, but the truth is what we need. As hurtful as it is, it’s the truth that will keep things real, and it’s also the same truth that will set you free.