The Key to a Better Love Life: Essential Dating Lessons

The key to a better love life may very well be in the essential lessons we pick up on while dating. These lessons are quite beneficial if we paid attention. But we don’t. We see someone attractive and we forget everything that’s important. This includes losing track of time. Believing we’re accurately assessing a situation, we continue dating the person, thinking this love will last a lifetime. But that isn’t always the case. Relationships fail. 

This post is part one of two, in response to yet another request. The following is an excerpt from Anette’s email:  

I found you on the LinkedIn platform, enjoying both your website and what you post. Based on your knowledge, I’m interested in reading what you can share. I struggle with the idea of losing the man I’m with. He’s very handsome, well educated, wealthy, and fun to be with. But he gets into these quiet moods and we part ways because he tells me he needs his time. From what I heard, it isn’t alone time. During these breaks, he’s evidently seeing other women. A friend and a family member spotted him. Each a separate occurrence. Which he denies. We’ve dated, broke up, dated, and this off and on relationship continues. Five years and counting. I’ve fallen in love with him and I’m convinced one day he will propose. Everyone I know insists that it’s time for me to leave him. I look forward to your thoughts and appreciate your insights.

BEYOND DATING

Anette, I’m by no means an expert when it comes to any relationship. I’m just a person who enjoys writing. However, with that said, I’ve been in that ambiguous space where things weren’t as it appeared. There are many of us who end up in the dating pool, discontent with the sheer notion we may never find true love. Bad thinking. Here’s where we get stuck in negative cycles. Are there opportunities to choose better? Of course there are. But we don’t. Listen up. There will always be competition and options for both sides. For you, for him. Attraction happens. Someone looks good, smells great, drives something nice and shiny, and we’re hooked.

The thing is, we hold fast to subpar connections that should have ended within the first, second, or third month tops. These are those unhealthy partnerships that give us every indication to be on guard. Why do we continue dating men who aren’t good for us? If we were to put a positive spin on this, I believe dating the wrong people may be beneficial, as this is when we learn some of the greatest lessons. That said, it’s important to heed the lesson and put what we learned into practice, so we can attract a better partner. One we can trust.

HARD LESSONS LEAD TO A BETTER LOVE LIFE – WHO KNEW?

We sacrifice things, places, and people over the course of a lifetime. However, in this post we’re not referring to the things we collect, where we spend most of our time, or the friendships that come and go. This post concerns romantic partners. Life is short, so it’s imperative we choose wisely. I didn’t back in the day when I hastily relinquished a silly ticket – so there’s that. I soon discovered a short time later the guy I was seeing at the time wasn’t my guy. And because he wasn’t my type (the gallivanting type), it was still a hard lesson, but one that’s essential to pick up on. Since it pertained to the truth or lack thereof, which is so worth detecting. 

To this day, I remain thankful for discovering this early in the relationship. Mind you, I had a little help. Not only did I have an inkling, but a friend of his felt compelled to share a tidbit which solidified my suspicions. Even though I remained in that relationship, knowing it had nowhere to go, I believed true love existed. Just not within that connection. In retrospect, I viewed the relationship as purely a learning experience. Another thing I learned was that hard lessons are the best lessons. Anette, you are in the midst of a hard lesson.

THE FINE LINE

Was the fella I dated back in the day a bad guy? I don’t know because I didn’t date him long enough to find out. But that’s the point I want to make. Anette, you have dated this guy for over five years, so you would have a fairly good indication of who he is by now. He’s already shown his true colors. Now, I’m not saying we just assume all cheats are bad. Sometimes these men become the best husbands once they find the right partner. But we don’t want to date long term to find this out. When someone knows, they know. We don’t need years to figure it out. This is really that fine line.

TRUST THAT A BETTER LOVE LIFE AWAITS

Some guys we meet aren’t who we think they are. The thing is, if we’re being perfectly honest, we weren’t who they thought we were. As in my case, the fella I dated not only had bad habits, but his expectations clashed with my beliefs and standards. Which were followed by restrictions and boundaries once I got wind of his indiscretions. And because we were so different, the relationship took a nosedive into the abyss. There you have it. Attraction, yes. Beyond that, we were worlds apart. It’s important to acknowledge when a connection has nowhere to go. Which brings me to my next point.

There’s a motto: People don’t do what they do to us, they do what they do for us. Every action paints a vivid picture. Not a pretty image, nevertheless, it sets the tone within the very fabric of a relationship. Consider it a blessing in disguise when something doesn’t pan out the way you intended. The sooner we get this, the better off we are. This encourages us to keep it moving, so we can attract someone who’s a much better match. Which is the key to a better love life. Choosing the one who chooses you. 

The best thing is to thank those for showcasing who they are while dating, versus years later when the two of you are married with children, pets, and bills. I hear a… yeah, but. People seldom change when married. In fact, the relationship either continues down the same path or it can get significantly worse. Just saying.

YOU DESERVE A BETTER LOVE LIFE

There’s an opportunity here for you to attract someone who embodies all the essential attributes important to consider in a partner, such as authenticity, trustworthiness, and loyalty. The type of man who’s highly respectful, respecting the person they date and the relationship they’re in. A one-relationship-at-a-time type of man. Anette, the guy you’re involved with, isn’t being sincere. On the one hand, he wants to be with you, but on the other hand, he tells you he needs a break. And during the time apart, he still sees other women while you remain faithful… waiting. Knowing what you know, you keep taking him back. This sounds like one-sided love to me. Decent men don’t pull this kind of stunt. Indecent ones do. 

SO WHAT’S THE KEY TO A BETTER LOVE LIFE? 

Hmm… good question. What I learned over time: It isn’t only important to pick up on something early, but to learn some things quickly. It’s all about time and timing. That said, no one has time to waste, yet that’s precisely what most of us do, wasting time we will never get back. Five years and counting is a heck of a long time to wait for a proposal. The thing is, you’re not even married, and there he is, basking in time apart with other women. Good men never carry on like this. A man in love will not only respect and appreciate you, their preference is to spend as much time as possible with you. Not with someone else. In an exclusive relationship, men are definitely not requesting time apart, ogling other women. Just saying.

Every person we meet teaches us something. But we don’t pay enough attention. You’d think with more dating under our belt, the more successful we are in love. However, that isn’t always the case. Case in point: It’s here where the thirty something has something to teach the twenty something and the forty something has something to share with anyone who will listen. Are we truly listening? No. No, we aren’t. What some guy did, what he should of, could of, but didn’t, is the same type of guy we attract again and again. The thing is, once we learn who someone is, we don’t need to repeat a pattern.

CONSIDER THIS

There are things we don’t even give thought to when dating, such as truth, honesty, transparency. We somehow ignore these relevant factors. We’re overtaken by how someone looks, what they drive, where they live, and what they do for a living, that we overlook their behavior. Could it be more so about awareness, acceptance, and understanding? Perhaps. But here’s the thing. After you acknowledge what’s going on, after you recognize the unacceptable, after you understand what you’re taking part in, at some point you have to let go. But you don’t. You continue holding on when the key is letting go. Perhaps the fear factor is at play. It’s when we’re afraid of being alone or being single for any length of time. How do you ever meet the right one when you’re always with the wrong one?

ALWAYS STAY TRUE TO YOU 

If someone doesn’t choose only you, there’s nothing you can do to change that. There’s nothing you can say that will alter what someone did or didn’t do while they were dating you. Yet, we have a vast population that insists on dating the wrong people, sacrificing a better love life. We make choices all the time and we will always select whatever we desire. So, there’s that. However, choosing someone, because you’re lonely… or enticed by eye candy, you may lose out, perhaps even forgoing someone who’s a much better match. A healthier connection with a man who’s not only considerate, but one who understands love. 

By staying true to you, you will never overlook the importance standards play. This is how you will detect whether the relationship is going to go the distance. First thing is to list the criteria important to you when it comes to a partner. This will be your point of reference. I don’t care how many lists you have or how long these lists are. List away. With that said, eye candy is a powerful thing. It’s attraction 2.0… on steroids, and it’s mighty strong. This is when some of us scrap the list (big mistake).

NON-NEGOTIABLE

It’s here I’ll introduce you to the non-negotiables that should be a part of everyone’s list. An example would be where the person we’re seeing still has an intense interest in another person or other people. This also means dating anyone who’s messaging someone else. Just putting this out there for those who don’t view something like this as a huge red flag. Why would a guy message another woman while he’s dating you? Why? Consider this a non-negotiable that will crown that list of yours. It’s essentially a big deal in the grand scheme of things. Yet, too many women choose to carry on with this type. Some even choose to shack up with these men, or worse, marry them.

RED FLAGS EXIST FOR A REASON

Want a better love life? Of course. Who doesn’t? The thing is, if that’s what we want, we have to stop avoiding the red flags. Are you even aware of the flags? Involvement in any questionable relationship raises the stakes, as in, the union becomes more challenging. The wise course of action is to navigate our way through it in order to get past it rather than cling to it as if it were a life raft. While keeping the nearest exit on our radar, we unpack every revelation. It’s crucial to move away from it, not closer to it. Deception rarely comes clean. Just putting this out there. Anything doomed to fail isn’t something we want to attract, entertain, or engage. So there’s that. 

Some of us tolerate open relationships, but this is where we not only get stuck, but lost. In time, a few of us will understand what was, wasn’t. But there are others who will choose to stay in toxic unions. Such experiences can be detrimental to one’s well-being. It isn’t good for your soul… it isn’t good for your heart… and it most definitely isn’t good for your life. So when something isn’t good for us, it’s imperative we let it go. You aren’t even married to this guy, and he’s proven to have cheated. Not only is this a major red flag, it’s setting off alarm bells. 

LET IT FLY LIKE A BIRD IN THE SKY

Letting him go is you confident, knowing your worth, and doing what’s best for you. Remaining true to your heart space. And that is to love you more. Love you more, Anette. I repeat, love yourself more. By focusing your attention on where you want to end up, it will have you saying sayonara to what isn’t working. Which is what it will take to have a better love life. Not with this guy… with the one you’re going to meet once you bid this one a hearty farewell (parting with nothing but good wishes). We don’t need any bad karma at this stage.

MAKER OR BREAKER… SAY WHAT?

Is the relationship going to be a success or failure? Do you know? Want to know? Most importantly… why don’t you know? Assess the balance between discord and harmony. Compare the frequency of disagreements and agreements. Finally, consider how often the union felt incompatible versus compatible. These are the things we must contemplate whenever we date. A successful relationship hinges on harmony, agreement, and compatibility. Whereas discord, disagreements, and incompatibility prove to be a relationship’s undoing. Consider these as deal-breakers, signaling it’s time to hit the brakes on what isn’t ideal. I get it. You are in love, but he doesn’t appear to love you. This is where you need courage. The courage to walk and keep walking, and the belief you deserve a healthy, loving, and trusting relationship.

Are you viewing this as a genuine relationship? Can you honestly say you trust him? Do you even know where this is going? Care to know? If you’re struggling to find this out, believing it will only take more time, this is what I would refer to as a deal-breaker. To put it another way, it’s not a relationship that is worth the time or effort. You have given this playboy ample time. It’s here I will use baseball as an analogy. Strike one, two, three… you’re out. NEXT. 

THE ESSENTIAL LESSON OF KEEPING IT REAL

We continually learn throughout a lifetime. In the process of learning, we gain the relevant wisdom that will assist us in becoming better people who, in turn, can attract better. There’s a moral here… never get flustered, wasting time with someone who can’t act responsibly, communicate effectively, or who’s a dishonest person. Point being, anyone can dupe us into believing something is what it isn’t. He didn’t say, hey, let’s see other people during this break. No. No, he didn’t. Rather, he played the deception card. A subliminal message that reads like this: You be a good girl, and I’ll be over here doing my thing until I get over whatever it is I’m going through. Let him sew his wild oats on his time, not yours. Men like this aren’t ready for a relationship or a commitment. It’s essential to always keep it real if seeking a better love life.